Maybe you should have elbowed someone in the face McGhee

Dear Pitt,

You know I love you. I do. But we need to talk. Every March, Pitt, I get all excited. I bust out my Oakland Zoo t-shirt, and I fill out my bracket, and I always, always, have you taking it all.

Call me optimistic.

But Pitt, every year, every March, you disappoint me. Xavier? XAVIER?!

I kicked a box when you lost Pitt, and it hurt. (No really, it hurt my toe. Box-1, Lisa- 0).

To be fair, this doesn't hurt as badly as that elite eight loss to Villanova last March, and it doesn't even hurt as much as that Cincinnati football loss this past season, but it still hurts. I had faith in you, and you squandered my faith.

Give me some space, now, Pitt. I will still rock my Oakland Zoo t-shirt come next season, you know that, but for now, I think we should just take a cooling off period.

Love,

Lisa

P.S. Xavier? Don't even get me started on you. You are from Ohio. I should have known. Nothing good comes out of Ohio. NOTHING.

You know what James Cameron, I saw True Lies, and it SUCKED

I have an epic cold that WILL NOT GO AWAY. Now it's a super awful cough. I should probably go to a doctor, but I probably will just wish it away.

Kate Winslet and her husband split up. I think that Leonardo DiCaprio is secretly in love with her. Did you see the way that he looked at her when she won her Golden Globe? That's not just typical co-star support, that shit's emotional. He looked pretty teary eyed. I'm just saying, Leo, girl's single now, go get em' champ! 'Bout time you ditched those brainless models.

I drank some green beer on Saturday. It turned my tongue green. I like being Irish.

Tara's shower was on Saturday. Throwing parties is a fool's game. From now on I am just attending parties. Oh it went well, and the food was good, and the booze was good (I said to my Aunt Amy, "If there is one thing I know, it's how to make alcohol taste not like alcohol," and she said, "Somehow I could have guessed you'd be good at that."), but it's just so exhausting. On top of the epic cold that won't go away. Seriously, I will come to your party, but don't expect me to throw one. I am le tired.

I was watching that show, "Who do you think you are?" about celebrities researching their ancestors and now I totes want to research my own. I know that we had a florist in the family in the early 1900's named Valentine Scheide, but SJP found out one of her ancestors was accused of witchcraft in Salem. Witchcraft trumps florist, even if Valentine is an awesome name.

Pitt is a number three seed in the NCAA tournament. This is exciting. Less exciting is the fact that Drunk!Sarah stole a Penn State paw from someone's truck on Saturday night and left it, without my knowledge, on Eartha Kitt. I left it on her mailbox. I half hope it's going to show up somewhere else. It's like a game.

This week's douchebag of the week is James Cameron. Because he couldn't be last week's.

Dear James Cameron,

You are a douchebag. I know very little about you (on purpose) but I do know that you are several times divorced and that you are a douche. I am very happy that your ex-wife beat you because she seems like a nice person and you are not. Titanic, although it has one of my all time favorites, was a terrible movie and so is Avatar. I could make a cool movie too if I had that much money to do it. You aren't that special and when you did win (not at the Oscars, sucka), you used a language that you created. That's not touching, that's douchey.

Not love,

Lisa

Hey, remember that time we beat Marquette?

It's that time again. Yes. It is Random Monday. This week's Random Monday is brought to you by the word Awesome.

I had a really great week. Despite dying of the Bavarian Death Flu. Also known as the Jonathon Brandeis Memorial Death Flu. Also know as the Black Death.

I went to the Pitt game on Thursday. We should have won handily, but it was more fun the way that it happened. Ashton Gibbs, I want to do bad things to you. That three pointer at the buzzer? OMG. Seriously. Killed me dead.

A few years ago, we went up to New York and saw Pitt win the Big East tournament. As we were walking down the street, drunkenly of course, we kept saying, "Hey, remember that time we beat Marquette? Because I do. Because it just happened." I'm pretty sure all the Marquette fans around us wanted us to die. Well, suck it Marquette. And Providence. That loss hurt, didn't it friends?

I'm supremely happy that James Cameron lost to his ex-wife. And that his stupid live action version of Fern Gully lost. I hate James Cameron. I'm not entirely sure why, I think that fact that he's a jackass and that he makes crappy movies and still is richer than Jesus probably has something to do with it. It makes me sad that Kate Winslet was involved in Titanic because I love me some Kate Winslet. Sandra Bullock's win also was epically awesome. Confession. I love terrible action movies. Like Speed 2 or The Mummy.

Don't judge me.

I'm making green Jell-O shots for my sister's wedding shower on Saturday. Let the records show that I am an awesome Maid of Honor.

I'm going to end Random Monday with another weekly tradition I am going to start. It's called Douche of the Week. This week's Douche? Big Ben.

Dear Big Ben,

You are a douche. I'm not sure if you are guilty, but honestly it doesn't matter. Guilty, innocent, you are still a douche. An ugly, overrated douche. You shouldn't have been at that nightclub. Nothing good can happen at two a.m. Go home, go to bed, stop being such an idiotic douche. And please, for the love of God, learn how to release the ball faster. You hang on too long to it in the pocket. That's why you get sacked constantly. That has nothing to do with you being a douche, it's just something that's been bothering me all season. You're a turd.

Not Love,

Lisa (speaking on behalf of all of Pittsburgh)