Oh Mama, I'm in fear for my life

I spent the weekend at Heinz Field. I think everyone will agree that this is not a bad way to spend the weekend. In fact, a weekend spent at Heinz Field is made of absolute win.

Started on Saturday at nine in the morning. Mimosas and chili. And maybe some beer. Maybe a lot of beer. Maybe so much beer that when the score was 21-7 I told someone it was tied. ("Uh. We've scored twice more." "When did that happen?!?!")

Here is what I learned: when you start drinking nine a.m. you kind of feel like you want to die by six in the evening. I don't know how alcoholics do it. Morning drinking is kind of bad news bears.

But oh! When they play "Sweet Caroline" ("Sweet Caroline...Let's go Pitt! Good times never felt so good...Go Pitt! Go Pitt! Go Pitt!"), my heart swells a little bit. I realize that Neil Diamond has nothing to do with football or the Pitt Panthers, but that song has long been a bar favorite. And bars have alcohol and football games have drunks, so really it makes sense.

And then Steelers football. All those black and gold towels waving and all that Styx playing. And all those Brett Favre sacks. If anyone has a sack coming it's Brett "I'm a drama queen" Favre. (And that last one? Harrison's sack in the last five seconds of the game? Beautiful. It was like poetry in motion.)

It's a beautiful way to spend a fall weekend.

Get up off of that thing and dance til you feel better

I like spontaneous dance parties.

They're pretty much my favorite thing ever.

My dance moves are pretty famous, most notably the "Octopus," that shit will be sweeping the nation. Also my rain dance has been known to reduce mere mortals to tears. I'm thinking of trying out for the next season of So You Think You Can Dance.

There's something about flailing around, looking kind of like someone drowning, that brings a smile to my face. I don't think you need to be good to have fun dancing. I don't think not being good should ever stop someone from dancing. I think you just have to move your body the way that it wants to move and have fun doing it.

I like to dance around in a circle with my hands in the air. It makes me happy. I don't really care that I look like a fool. I'm pretty sure that's half the fun.

I like to twirl and dip and do the sprinkler and the shopping cart. I like to look like the kids in the Charlie Brown Christmas special. Pig Pen rocks my world. He just sort of shakes his head back and forth. That's amazing.

This is why I don't care for dance clubs. Those people take themselves way too seriously. I don't really care for people who take themselves too seriously. Life is kind of a bummer sometimes. It's best not to take anything too seriously. Going out to a club, dressed in some skimpy outfit and grinding up next to some drunk stranger? Not my idea of a good time.

Now some David Bowie "Magic Dance" and a dance move that vaguely resembles having a seizure? That's so much better.

Maybe the dog can find water. I mean, dogs can find pot and bombs, so I'm sure they can find water

Know who is on my list?

ABC.

For being so freaking awesome.

Damn it ABC.

First FlashFoward? Now Lost? (Although to be accurate, those two shows should be flipped. I'm a little late coming to the party for Lost).

Bob is also on my list. Also for being awesome. He let me borrow the first two seasons of Lost. Now I'm hooked. Damn it Bob. (Reminds me of a great Bob story. When all the seasons of Gilmore Girls were being passed around the Bou, he came to me one morning and without so much of a greeting said, "Rory loses her virginity to Dean doesn't she? No! Jess! No! Dean! You know what? I don't want to know." And then walked away).

How am I supposed to do anything productive when there are Lost episodes to be watched? And Jack Shepard to look at? AND HURLEY! I LOVE HURLEY SO MUCH IT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE.

This is no good. I did not need this, ABC. Why can't you be more like NBC and have like one or two good shows and then suck at life otherwise? (Although, NBC, you are also on my list because of the latest Office. The wedding? Jim cutting off his tie? Killed me dead).

I have to go to work, ABC. And now all I will be thinking about is Locke and Sun and Claire, poor Claire, and stupid Shannon who is stupid (and who was also in the movie Taken , where she is also stupid. And runs funny. And screams a whole lot. And cries. And is stupid), and Boone who has really pretty eyes.

I will never forgive you, ABC. I hate what you have reduced me to. You and DVR. In cahoots. I HAVEN'T READ A BOOK IN TWO DAYS, ABC! YOU ARE TURNING MY MIND INTO MUSH AND I'M A WILLING PARTICIPANT. Can't you put more garbage on television? Can't you just keep putting Dancing with the Stars on? I know how to turn that off. You and your captivating television can suck it.

Are you too good for your home?!

I'm no IT expert. Never claimed to be. My favorite solution when dealing with rogue electronics is to plead with the offending object for a little while, hit it a couple of times, cry a little, and then repeat.

My computer is being lame pants. That's the only way I know how to describe it. One day it's totally all right with being connected to the interwebs and the next day FALSE YOU WILL NOT CONNECT TO THE INTERWEBS.

What's that all about Dell?

I'm currently not on my own computer (and if I get caught there will be hell to pay). My computer connected last night but this morning? Not so much. WTF computer?

Alas. My computer is telling me in its gentle way that it has little time left. BUT I DO NOT CARE. Connect to the internet! How hard is that?! I've restarted like seven times. SEVEN. That's an absurd amount of times to restart.

Don't computers WANT to connect to the internet? Isn't that really their goal in life? Why has my computer decided to be a slacker who has no real goal in life other than to see how many marshmallows it can fit in its mouth at one time? Will I come home one day to see the computer laying on the couch with a beer in one hand and cheese curl dust all over it?

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

I know I once said that the Check Engine Light is worse than the Blue Screen of Death.

I might just have to disagree with that.

Because this sucks too.

STUPID COMPUTER. JUST CONNECT TO THE INTERNET.

I'm going to restart it one more time.

After all, eighth times the charm.

Hey! It's the guy from "Shakespeare in Love!"

I love fall. I love the leaves changing, I love football, I love sweaters and pumpkins and Halloween and Thanksgiving. I think everyone is aware of my love for Hocus Pocus.

And I love the start of new television seasons.

Here's the thing. I am not ashamed of being a giant tv addict. The invention of DVR is right up there in my book with the invention of electricity and anti-biotics. I love books for their ability to transport you to another place, and television, good television, is the lazier way to do that.

So with that being said. Flash Forward? Yes. Just. Yes.

Everyone and their mother is talking about this show. With good reason. It's a crazy awesome concept. And it's good. So far it totally kept my interest (which is saying something. I have a very short attention span and have been known to be a skimmer. I used to skim my school reading, I sometimes skim movies, and I often skim television shows. DVR owns my soul).

Point is? It's just as awesome as everyone says it is. I didn't fast forward through any of it. Not once.

"D. Gibbons is a bad man." WTF. That line right there just hooked me FOR LIFE.

Do yourself a favor. Go online and find the first two episodes and watch. This show wins at life.