It was always burning since the world's been turning

Friends are great, aren't they? (Insert sarcasm here). Because they remember times that sometimes you'd very much like to forget.



For example, while I don't remember, apparently I once sent a text message to Jen claiming that Billy Joel owned my soul. I don't doubt it happened. Billy Joel does kind of own my soul. Plus, he didn't start the fire, so there's that too. Billy Joel happens to land on my list of a-okay Double Namers.



While I was amused by this reminder of a text I most likely (read: definitely) sent while kind of intoxicated (on milk, obviously, because Yoo-Hoo is the strongest drink I put in my body), I was suddenly struck by a horrifying thought.



What other things do my friends remember that I don't?



And! What can I remember about them in retaliation?



Because isn't that what friendship is about? Gandhi once said "an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind," but what did Gandhi know? Besides how to peacefully win a rebellion and how to lead his people and all of that. Yeah, yeah, Gandhi. Show off. I also once led my people in a non-violent political protest (okay, so yes, that never happened. But I did wear an Obama bracelet AND made a t-shirt with a donkey that said "A Change Will Do You Good." Where's my recognition? Where's MY Nobel Peace Prize?)



Friendship is about collecting as much dirt on them so to counterbalance the dirt they are collecting on you. In a successful friendship a balance must be maintained at all times.



And you thought friendship was about enjoying each other's company?



False.


So my friends, save those text messages. Tag those pictures on the great FB. Remember the time that I told someone during Hurricane Ivan that it wasn't raining.


But remember, I know things about you too. Lots of things. Things that would make your grandmothers blush.


It's going to be a long friendship.

What's with today, today?

I am instantly distrustful of anyone with double first names.

Charles Thomas. Henry Nicholas. John James.

Case in point. Shannon Elizabeth. What good has she ever done? American Pie? Oh yeah, I'm glad we have that contribution to cinematic greatness.

There are a few that I let slide by. Nina Simone. All right. Etta James. Okay. (Apparently in jazz, it's better to have double names).

And while we're on the subject (but not really), there are some people I'd like to talk to about their fifteen minutes being up fourteen minutes ago.

Lindsay Lohan. Are you even still relevant? Your latest film couldn't even make it to cinematic release. That shit was on ABC Family. Go home Lindsay Lohan. We don't want you here anymore.

Next, Miley Cyrus. Please. The clock is counting down on you, friend. The thing is, Miley, you aren't all that talented. And eventually those screaming fans of yours are going to grow up, I mean wise up, and realize that you can't hold a note. And you don't write your own songs. And you aren't that talented. Miley, I'm just looking out for you. You don't want to become another Lindsay Lohan, do you? It's time for you to take your leave. And take the Jonas brothers with you.

Speidi? WTF? There are no words for how much I loathe you. I don't even know you. I don't understand why you are famous or why there are pictures of you in magazines and why I NEED TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I hate that I know who you are. I hate you almost as much as I hate horse face Ann Coulter, and that's saying something. WHY ARE YOU STILL ON MY TELEVISION? (but oh! Thought of another double first namer who I DO actually adore. Spencer Tracy! Spencer Tracy is ANGRY at you Speidi for besmirching the good name of Spencers everywhere).

And finally, Sarah Palin. Oh Sarah...remember last summer? Remember when they announced you as the Republican vice presidential nominee and everyone was talking about what a political coup that was for the McCain campaign? Remember when you hadn't opened your mouth yet, or talked to Katie Couric and we all thought you were a threat to the great Obama run of 2008? Do you remember? Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. You were relevant last summer. But Sarah, it's 2009 now. Please, stay in Alaska. Or if you absolutely need to leave Alaska, please stay on Fox News. You used up your fifteen minutes already. Move on.

Le sigh

My computer is reaching the end of his days.

It's a sad state of affairs, because me and good old Dell have been through a lot together. We traveled abroad, we wrote some good school papers, some not so good school papers. We've fought the Blue Screen of Death together and came out victorious. We discovered music we liked, we listened to music we were ashamed we liked. We got addicted to Snood and Ebay together, and then went through a twelve-step program to quit.

And even though Dell has lost his quotations key, and he's not as fast as he once was. Even though the "K" key is not working like it should, and he's started to show the signs of aging, I am going to be saddened and disheartened when he bites the dust (please don't bite the dust yet, Dell. I need to get a new job first).

He's fought the good fight, and now it's (almost) time for him to rest.

So here's to Dell! He might not be as flashy or as fast as the new 'puters that threaten to replace him and make him obsolete, but he's been a good pal.

Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!

There are few things more heinous than the check engine light.

Only one comes to mind, and that is the Blue Screen of Death. The Blue Screen of Death represents retched despair and hopelessness to all good computer using people of the world. But I would argue that the BSoD has nothing on the Check Engine Light. In fact, if the BSoD and the CEL were villains, the CEL would be like Darth Vader and the BSoD would be Cruella de Ville. Who is really afraid of Cruella de Ville? I mean, besides puppies?

Both are equally horrible, but the check engine light could be awful, could be nothing, and this is the worst part of the CEL. What if it's really bad? And your car stops? And you are stranded on the side of the road? Miles from civilization? And zombies come? Or mass murderers? Or what if zombie mass murderers come? WHAT THEN?

The Blue Screen of Death might make your life inconvenient, but it will never put you in mortal danger.