I wish Will Smith could narrate my life

I've been thinking about this. And I know that most people would want Morgan Freeman to narrate their life, or maybe even James Earl Jones (what ever happened to that guy? If you tell me he's dead, I will cry. Right here. Right now. I will cry), but I'm thinking that Will Smith could narrate my life. What's he doing now anyway besides pimping out his kids? (I'm pretending that Men in Black 3 is not happening. There are things that I prefer just to pretend don't exist. That's one of them. Also the re-release of Titanic in 3D. And NOT ON THE 100 ANNIVERSARY OF THE ACTUAL TITANIC SINKING. Like 8 days before that historically significant date. Let this be reason 864 that I HATE James Cameron's stupid face.)

Here is why I would like Will Smith's life narration:

1) He could rap it.
2) He could put a sick beat behind it.
3) "Parents don't understand."
4) He's probably friends with Bill Pullman and I could maybe meet him and tell him he's the second greatest fictional president of all time. Behind Martin Sheen.
5) He has a voice like butter.


I think this is a great idea. I'm going to look into this.

This post is dedicated to Stevie Johnson. Football loser, Twitter winner.

Things I love this week:

1) Stevie Johnson (who maybe should look into the wisdom of being called Stevie as an adult) wide receiver for the Buffalo Bills blaming God (on Twitter. TWITTER! It just...does not get any better) for dropping the game winning pass against the Pittsburgh Steelers. "I PRAISE YOUR NAME 24/7!!!!AND THIS IS HOW YOU DO ME!!!" I love this on several levels (in addition to blaming God, I love how many exclamation points he uses. HE'S REALLY REALLY MAD AT YOU GOD!!!!! SO MANY THAT HE HAS TO USE ALL CAPS AND LOTS OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!), and I also love that he retracted that statement a day later. Although, Stevie, if you are going to go all out and blame God, you should probably stand by your anger. "THX THO!!!!!!"

2) Sarah Palin mixing up North and South Korea. Cause that's not an important distinction or anything. One is has a crazed dictator and nuclear weapons and the other is our ally. I also love that Barbara Bush commented on former Governor Palin by replying, "I sat next to her once, thought she was beautiful. And I think she's very happy in Alaska -- and I hope she'll stay there." Word. Now I just have to deal with the fact that I agree with a member of the Bush family. It's sort of turning my world upside down.

3) The Walking Dead . Yes. Gory, gruesome and just awesome. It's totally blowing my mind. Sure, I have to fast forward through some of it (my aversion to all things bloody once again rears its ugly head), but it's so good. In other news, I would not survive a zombie apocalypse, despite claims I have previously made to the contrary. I'm not fooling anyone, I'd be in the first wave gone.

1985, what WHAT!

Okay. So I fail. I haven't blogged in months. Since March Madness concluded. Perhaps we can just agree that maybe I was too upset with Pitt getting knocked out of the tournament to visit the worlds of the internet. Sure, that works.

But! I rediscovered this ol' blog that I used to frequent, and I thought, you know I'm feeling a little bloggy today (real word. Look it up.)

This post is dedicated to the year 1985, which was awesome in many ways.

Uno, I was born. You are welcome world.

Two, Back to the Future was released. As was The Goonies AND The Breakfast Club AND Teen Wolf AND St. Elmo's Fire.

If that doesn't make you worship the year 1985, what will?

C) How about the music? "Don't you forget about me?" And oh, yeah, there was that little song called "We are the world." Yeah, that happened in 1985. So did "Live Aid."

Honestly, I bet all the years around 1985 are pretty jealous that they aren't as awesome as 1985 was. I bet they cry all the time and think about how they could have been cooler if only 1985 hadn't existed. I bet 1984 and 86 scheme from time to time about how to cut out that middle year and just pretend it never happened.

But it happened, World. It happened. And it was amazing.

Maybe you should have elbowed someone in the face McGhee

Dear Pitt,

You know I love you. I do. But we need to talk. Every March, Pitt, I get all excited. I bust out my Oakland Zoo t-shirt, and I fill out my bracket, and I always, always, have you taking it all.

Call me optimistic.

But Pitt, every year, every March, you disappoint me. Xavier? XAVIER?!

I kicked a box when you lost Pitt, and it hurt. (No really, it hurt my toe. Box-1, Lisa- 0).

To be fair, this doesn't hurt as badly as that elite eight loss to Villanova last March, and it doesn't even hurt as much as that Cincinnati football loss this past season, but it still hurts. I had faith in you, and you squandered my faith.

Give me some space, now, Pitt. I will still rock my Oakland Zoo t-shirt come next season, you know that, but for now, I think we should just take a cooling off period.

Love,

Lisa

P.S. Xavier? Don't even get me started on you. You are from Ohio. I should have known. Nothing good comes out of Ohio. NOTHING.

You know what James Cameron, I saw True Lies, and it SUCKED

I have an epic cold that WILL NOT GO AWAY. Now it's a super awful cough. I should probably go to a doctor, but I probably will just wish it away.

Kate Winslet and her husband split up. I think that Leonardo DiCaprio is secretly in love with her. Did you see the way that he looked at her when she won her Golden Globe? That's not just typical co-star support, that shit's emotional. He looked pretty teary eyed. I'm just saying, Leo, girl's single now, go get em' champ! 'Bout time you ditched those brainless models.

I drank some green beer on Saturday. It turned my tongue green. I like being Irish.

Tara's shower was on Saturday. Throwing parties is a fool's game. From now on I am just attending parties. Oh it went well, and the food was good, and the booze was good (I said to my Aunt Amy, "If there is one thing I know, it's how to make alcohol taste not like alcohol," and she said, "Somehow I could have guessed you'd be good at that."), but it's just so exhausting. On top of the epic cold that won't go away. Seriously, I will come to your party, but don't expect me to throw one. I am le tired.

I was watching that show, "Who do you think you are?" about celebrities researching their ancestors and now I totes want to research my own. I know that we had a florist in the family in the early 1900's named Valentine Scheide, but SJP found out one of her ancestors was accused of witchcraft in Salem. Witchcraft trumps florist, even if Valentine is an awesome name.

Pitt is a number three seed in the NCAA tournament. This is exciting. Less exciting is the fact that Drunk!Sarah stole a Penn State paw from someone's truck on Saturday night and left it, without my knowledge, on Eartha Kitt. I left it on her mailbox. I half hope it's going to show up somewhere else. It's like a game.

This week's douchebag of the week is James Cameron. Because he couldn't be last week's.

Dear James Cameron,

You are a douchebag. I know very little about you (on purpose) but I do know that you are several times divorced and that you are a douche. I am very happy that your ex-wife beat you because she seems like a nice person and you are not. Titanic, although it has one of my all time favorites, was a terrible movie and so is Avatar. I could make a cool movie too if I had that much money to do it. You aren't that special and when you did win (not at the Oscars, sucka), you used a language that you created. That's not touching, that's douchey.

Not love,

Lisa

Hey, remember that time we beat Marquette?

It's that time again. Yes. It is Random Monday. This week's Random Monday is brought to you by the word Awesome.

I had a really great week. Despite dying of the Bavarian Death Flu. Also known as the Jonathon Brandeis Memorial Death Flu. Also know as the Black Death.

I went to the Pitt game on Thursday. We should have won handily, but it was more fun the way that it happened. Ashton Gibbs, I want to do bad things to you. That three pointer at the buzzer? OMG. Seriously. Killed me dead.

A few years ago, we went up to New York and saw Pitt win the Big East tournament. As we were walking down the street, drunkenly of course, we kept saying, "Hey, remember that time we beat Marquette? Because I do. Because it just happened." I'm pretty sure all the Marquette fans around us wanted us to die. Well, suck it Marquette. And Providence. That loss hurt, didn't it friends?

I'm supremely happy that James Cameron lost to his ex-wife. And that his stupid live action version of Fern Gully lost. I hate James Cameron. I'm not entirely sure why, I think that fact that he's a jackass and that he makes crappy movies and still is richer than Jesus probably has something to do with it. It makes me sad that Kate Winslet was involved in Titanic because I love me some Kate Winslet. Sandra Bullock's win also was epically awesome. Confession. I love terrible action movies. Like Speed 2 or The Mummy.

Don't judge me.

I'm making green Jell-O shots for my sister's wedding shower on Saturday. Let the records show that I am an awesome Maid of Honor.

I'm going to end Random Monday with another weekly tradition I am going to start. It's called Douche of the Week. This week's Douche? Big Ben.

Dear Big Ben,

You are a douche. I'm not sure if you are guilty, but honestly it doesn't matter. Guilty, innocent, you are still a douche. An ugly, overrated douche. You shouldn't have been at that nightclub. Nothing good can happen at two a.m. Go home, go to bed, stop being such an idiotic douche. And please, for the love of God, learn how to release the ball faster. You hang on too long to it in the pocket. That's why you get sacked constantly. That has nothing to do with you being a douche, it's just something that's been bothering me all season. You're a turd.

Not Love,

Lisa (speaking on behalf of all of Pittsburgh)

Random Monday Volume II: The Rainy Day Edition

Random Monday, round two. GO!

Best thing I heard all day? When Teja explained that Emaline couldn't have a glass of water to dip her paint brushes in because the last time she drank the cup of paint water. And Em's reply?

"Yep. It tasted good."

Kids are awesome.

My Monday off was totally busy. I had lunch with Bill Keller (who in his Bill Keller way, managed to drive me crazy before he even got into the car. It's actually a talent and impressive). After that, I went to my aunt's to borrow her scanner to scan some old pictures into the computer. And then picked up Samantha from school (man, you know you live in the 'burbs when the area where parents pick up their children is filled to maximum capacity with minivans and SUV's). Then came pretty much straight over here to watch Em. And here I sit. Keeping Random Monday alive. Trying not to fall asleep.

I like chocolate and cheese more than should be allowed. I think things from a cow are the greatest gift the Universe has ever bestowed upon us. The only thing that would make a cow's contribution to my life better would be if pierogies also came from a cow. Then I would understand completely why the Hindu's worship the cow. Maybe in India pierogies DO come from cows.


The Olympics make me patriotic in a way that might be unhealthy. I get all fired up. Like US v. Canada in hockey. I was super serious about that shit. Screw Sid the Kid. GO TEAM USA! I'm usually all about other cultures and not being too cultural bias-y (which, I'm thinking isn't a real word. WELL YOU KNOW WHAT? IT IS IN AMERICA!), but during the Olympics there's like a switch in my head and instead of being like, yeah, other countries are awesome too, I'm all like, "Dear Other Countries, Sorry that you are not as awesome/amazing/crazy good at all things like we are. I'm also sorry that you don't seem to realize that we are better/more awesome/generally just superior in all ways than you are. GO US! Love, America."


The only thing that is different about this Olympic experience is that I kind of want to be Canadian. And that has never happened before. But do you see how excited they get about EVERYTHING? Canadians are like Canada's biggest fans, and that's awesome. Plus Ryan Reynolds is from Canada. And I would like to do dirty things to him.


That's all I have for the second edition of Random Monday. We're making it just under the wire too. Because in forty minutes it's going to be Tuesday. And Tuesday can't be Random. It's just Reasonable Tuesday where things are orderly and make sense. Suck it Tuesday.