Caves, friends, are not the answer.

Caves are bad news.

There are things that live in caves that do not need sunlight to exist.

That's not right.

Who wants to go spelunking? Not me, certainly. Nothing good can come of caves. Have you ever seen a movie where people go into caves and come out all happy and cheerful and all "let's go in that cave again!"?

No! You haven't ever seen a movie like that. BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST. PEOPLE WHO GO INTO CAVES DO NOT COME OUT HAPPY! THEY DO NOT COME OUT AT ALL!

At the zoo there are these fish that live in caves. They have eye sockets but no eyeballs. WTF!?! WHAT IN THE HELL KIND OF WORLD DO WE LIVE IN THAT THERE ARE FISH THAT HAVE EYE SOCKETS BUT NO EYES?!?

Evolution, man, it's messed up.

So no, I do not want to go into the cave at North Park where there may or may not be mythological creatures that want to kill me dead. No, I do not want to go 'sploring the deep, dark crevices where there may or may not be things that DO NOT HAVE EYES.

I will stay outside the cave, thank you very much. I know that it is safe outside. I know that the creatures/plants/things outside the cave have eyes and need sunshine to live.

And honestly, I don't think I am alone in my cave fear. It afflicts many. At least one in every four people are afraid of caves(note: this statistic is made up.) And yes, maybe my fear of caves stems from the movie Beaches (that song? The one where they come out of a cave and put on those scary masks at the end? Oh Industry? I was never the same after that scene), but that does not make cave fear any less legit.

Jen once asked me if I would live in a cave with James Franco, and I answered yes. And I would. But James Franco is a smart dude. He's probably also afraid of caves, so it's a moot point.

Caves are whack, friends. Let's hang out in this open field instead.