What's with today, today?

I am instantly distrustful of anyone with double first names.

Charles Thomas. Henry Nicholas. John James.

Case in point. Shannon Elizabeth. What good has she ever done? American Pie? Oh yeah, I'm glad we have that contribution to cinematic greatness.

There are a few that I let slide by. Nina Simone. All right. Etta James. Okay. (Apparently in jazz, it's better to have double names).

And while we're on the subject (but not really), there are some people I'd like to talk to about their fifteen minutes being up fourteen minutes ago.

Lindsay Lohan. Are you even still relevant? Your latest film couldn't even make it to cinematic release. That shit was on ABC Family. Go home Lindsay Lohan. We don't want you here anymore.

Next, Miley Cyrus. Please. The clock is counting down on you, friend. The thing is, Miley, you aren't all that talented. And eventually those screaming fans of yours are going to grow up, I mean wise up, and realize that you can't hold a note. And you don't write your own songs. And you aren't that talented. Miley, I'm just looking out for you. You don't want to become another Lindsay Lohan, do you? It's time for you to take your leave. And take the Jonas brothers with you.

Speidi? WTF? There are no words for how much I loathe you. I don't even know you. I don't understand why you are famous or why there are pictures of you in magazines and why I NEED TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I hate that I know who you are. I hate you almost as much as I hate horse face Ann Coulter, and that's saying something. WHY ARE YOU STILL ON MY TELEVISION? (but oh! Thought of another double first namer who I DO actually adore. Spencer Tracy! Spencer Tracy is ANGRY at you Speidi for besmirching the good name of Spencers everywhere).

And finally, Sarah Palin. Oh Sarah...remember last summer? Remember when they announced you as the Republican vice presidential nominee and everyone was talking about what a political coup that was for the McCain campaign? Remember when you hadn't opened your mouth yet, or talked to Katie Couric and we all thought you were a threat to the great Obama run of 2008? Do you remember? Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. You were relevant last summer. But Sarah, it's 2009 now. Please, stay in Alaska. Or if you absolutely need to leave Alaska, please stay on Fox News. You used up your fifteen minutes already. Move on.